SPOILERS: Everything up to Grad Day 2 is fair game.
SUMMARY: Angel 1st person pov, post Graduation Day 2. Angst fic. Companion piece to the Buffy pov, Fitting.
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me. They belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, and Fox. All of whom are big meanies. Lyrics belong to Cake (off the Prolonging the Magic album).
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How very empty is my soul
It is a soul that feels no thrill
It is a soul that could easily kill
And I'm not fit to touch
the hem of your garment
-Hem of Your Garment
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by: Rebecca Carefoot
So let's say for the sake of argument that you're a two hundred and forty-two year old vampire. And let's further complicate things by saying you have a soul, a conscience. So say you're this vampire with a soul, and you hate yourself because you've committed atrocities, you've reveled in other people's pain for over a century. There's nothing you can do to atone for that. No matter how much good you do, it can never be balanced. You haven't been happy since the night you got your soul back.
With me so far?
Now let's say you meet a girl, the most beautiful girl in the world, golden and strong. She's like the sun you haven't seen in over two hundred years. But more so. And you love her the minute you see her, and you decide to be someone for her sake. She changes your life, gives you a purpose. Even though you know she could never love you, because you're a monster after all. It all makes perfect sense so far, doesn't it? Sort of. Up until this part.
Let's say this girl you adore, this perfect girl, DOES love you. It's not even conceivable in the small part of your heart that hopes. She couldn't love you, not when she knows what you are: a Demon she exists to kill. But she does love you. It's a miracle.
Do you understand how unbelievable this is? Do you understand how big this is? How much it would mean to you? Do you understand how your dead heart would flutter every time she held your hand?
So now you and this amazing person are in love. You have the right to kiss her soft mouth, to twist your fingers in her golden hair, to trace the curve of her shoulder with your hand. And one night she lets you make love to her. And you know how much trust that takes, for her to open herself to you, a vampire. She loves you so completely that she trusts you to hold her naked body in your arms.
For the first time in eighty years you're happy.
But because you're happy, your soul is ripped from you. The essence of you is ripped from your body, and the demon that wears your face torments her and her friends. Betrays everything you loved most in the world.
You'd think that was the end, wouldn't you?
Let's say that this girl, because she is the strongest girl in the world, and not just physically, is able to send you to Hell after you try to bring Hell to the world. Even though at the last moment your soul was restored, and you made it immeasurably harder for her by being confused and sweet and loving her again. She sends you to Hell, and you're there for hundreds of years. I can't tell you how long exactly because I don't know. It's an eternity. But somehow you come back. And when you do, your mind is confused by centuries of torture. The only thing you know is her.
But she takes you back. She helps you recover yourself despite the things you've done to her, the pain you've caused her. Despite the fact that you have become little more than an animal.
I told you she was the most amazing girl in the world.
So say she takes you back, after some starts and stalls, she takes you back into her heart completely. She wants you; she loves you. She is the only thing that has made you happy in the last two hundred and eighty years, if you count the parts in hell. And she's willing to forgive you.
But you're still a monster. And if you're ever completely happy you'll lose your soul again. She could have anyone if you weren't in the picture. You're the least worthy of all the people in the world to have her, yet she chose you.
So do you see why you had to leave? Do you see why I had to break her heart and mine?
Do you really?
Could you explain it to me?
Go to the companion piece from Buffy's POV... Fitting