SPOILERS: What's My Line pt. 1
CONTENT: Buffy/Angel romantic thoughts...lots of introspection
SUMMARY: This is a rehash of the scene where Buffy goes Angel's apartment.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy or any of the other characters on the show. I don't own any of the ideas that belong to the Buffyverse. All that good stuff belongs to Joss Whedon, the WB and I believe Fox. Definitely not me.
This is all first person from Buffy's POV
What do I do now? Where do I go? I stand here in a daze. I walk along this street without even realizing where I'm walking. Holding myself tightly against a chill that comes not from the balmy air but from my fear, I continue to walk. They could be anywhere. They could be anyone. That's what Giles told me. And I know it's true. What I don't know is what to do about it. I can't just go around attacking everyone that looks at me sideways.
I find that my feet have led me home. Home. I stare at the empty house for a moment. The lights aren't on. No one waits there to welcome me. The house is completely dark, cold, and lonely. It's not home. It's just a house. And it's the first place those bouny hunters will look. I shudder a little at the thought of the demons, remembering the interruption into my skating. My mind drifts to Angel. That's where my mind usually drifts these days. I remember his look of self-hatred as he told me that I shouldn't have to touch him when he was like that. When he wore the face of a demon. But I realized something when he said that. I realized for the first time, that I don't care anymore about him being a vampire. It used to bother me. It used to enter my mind every time he did. I'd think Angel and vampire would be right there, popping up in my mind. It poisoned everything. But when he said that to me, it was the strangest thing. I hadn't even noticed that he was wearing his vampire face. And when I think about him now, I just think Angel.
Thinking about him, I find that my feet have carried me away from my house. For a moment I wonder where my feet have decided to take me. I wonder, and suddenly I realize that I'm heading towards the Bronze...and towards Angel. And as soon as I realize it, this feeling of peace comes over me. Not that the fear goes completely away. It never does these days, but I feel different. I feel protected when I think of him. Eventually I reach his apartment, and suddenly I'm uncertain. What if he doesn't want me here? I never come here; he always comes to me. I knock on the door a little hesitantly, but there's no answer. I feel the fear creeping in again. I hadn't even considered that he might not be here. I call his name into the silence but receive no answer. I'm afraid, and he's not here. I stand for a moment, confused and alone. Following a sudden impulse I break open the door, and walk inside.
Once again I feel the fear subside. I can feel him here. He is in every corner of the apartment. His paintings, his beautiful furniture and his sculpture...the pretty ivory sculpture of some unknown woman. I touch the glass, as if by touching it I touch him. And it almost seems true. Slowly I wander the apartment, feeling his essence in the room, smelling his scent everywhere.
I reach his bed, it's unmade, as if he just got up and left a second ago. I wonder for a moment if the bed is still warm. If I lie down will I be able to feel his strength in the sheets? I sit down slowly, and let my eyes close for a moment. Breathing deeply I inhale his scent. This is his place, and I can feel him surround me. I feel him all around me, watching me, loving me. I lie down, savoring the feel of his sheets, of his bed. I curl up tightly around myself, like a little child after a nightmare and I close my eyes. I think of him and it all melts away. All my fear and pain just runs away as I think about him. As I lie there silently loving him. I can almost feel him next to me in the bed. I can almost feel his strong body next to mine. And I feel safe, and I sleep.