** TISSUE WARNING **
CONTENT: Buffy/Angel romance, angst
SUMMARY: This is a companion piece to "Dust." It is also based on Innocence and the idea that Buffy's dream of Angel in the sunlight means that his soul is still around.
Dust was Angel POV...this one is BUFFY POV.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy or Angel. Joss Whedon and the Wb are the rightful owners.
All the text in italics is lyrics from Sarah McLachlan's song Do What You Have To Do. I don't own the song either. But it is so perfect for Buffy and Angel..especially now
by: Rebecca Carefoot
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do
The bed seems cold. I snuggle deeper under the covers, trying to find comfort in the soft sheets. But the cold remains. It is my heart that's cold, not the bed. The darkness of the room surrounds me. I can feel it pressing on me through my closed eyelids. I can feel the tears start to form and I open my eyes to stare into the blackness.
Sleep eludes me.
I have come to dread the night. These long minutes that stretch into hours. Hours in which I cannot sleep because my mind is filled with thoughts of him and my eyes are filled with tears.
But even as I dread it, I look forward to the night. Because in the night I can almost feel him next to me. I can almost make myself believe that he is here..that he watches over me. Guardian Angel...sounds cheesy. But in the dark I can almost believe it. He feels nearer in the night
I thought it would get easier. They told me it would get easier. That the pain would fade. So why am I still crying? Why is it that when I close my eyes all I see is him? Why is it that the part of me that is him, will not die? And do I really want it to?
It's not fair.
Life's not fair. I know that. How many times does my mom tell me that? But why is it that I can't have one moment of happiness. Would that be too much for the world to handle?
And now I'm crying again. God, I am just the human faucet these days.
I have school tomorrow. I should be sleeping. There's pop quizzes to take, and lectures to listen to, and vampires to stake. Because yes, I am still the Slayer. Apparently the evil beings of the world don't care that I am bleeding to death internally because my heart is broken. You'd think they'd give me a break. But the world doesn't care about me. I'm just here to get trampled on.
When did I become so cynical?
I guess it was right about the moment that I found out that MY Angel was gone. That a demon had taken his place.
I miss him so much.
And I can feel the tears really starting to fall now. If only tears could wash all the pain away, instead of just making my eyes all red and puffy.
I miss him. Every second of every day. Everything I do, he's there in the back of my mind.
He couldn't have been taken away back before I fell in love with him. Back when it was still just mutual attraction. Back when we both could have walked away with no harm done.
That would have been too easy.
God, help me. I have never loved anyone so much in my entire life. And I know he loved me the same way. How my heart thrilled to hear him say it finally.
That night we shared everything. I gave him all of me. My trust, my love, and my body. How could something so pure, so beautiful, be what caused his soul to be torn away? How could an expression of love bring back the demon?
Because life isn't fair.
And I knew that he was a vampire. That he had that demon in him. But like an idiot I thought that love would conquer all. Although I told myself that he could turn evil someday, I never really believed it. I never thought that it would come to this.
Angelus, taunting me from Angel's body.
And me not able to kill him.
One of the most vicious vampires in history and the Slayer can't kill him. Why? Because I am in love with him still.
If I slay Angelus, Angel's body dies. And that really is the end. If I kill the demon, I kill Angel too.
And stupid as it probably is. I can't do that. As long as he's alive, there is the chance that Angel's soul can be returned to his body. It was done once. There has to be a way to do it again. I have to believe that.
Because I am still in love with Angel. I always will be. He is half of me. His soul and mine are entertwined...forever.
And my soul is aching for him. My body is aching for him. I need him. I need to feel his arms around me. I need to press my lips to his. I need...his strength. He was always there, with a well-placed kick, or a shoulder to cry on. I want to rest my head on his chest and breathe in the scent of him. I want to see the love in his eyes, as he pulls me close for another kiss. I want to feel his hands on my body. I want to talk to him about getting grounded or my day at school. I want to see that tiny little smile that turns up just the corner of his mouth. I want to see the grin that lights up his whole face. I want someone to hunt with...someone who understands what it's like to be a predator.
I want...I need him.
And I can't get him out of my mind. When I fall asleep I know what I will see. Him. Us. Together. And it hurts like hell, because all the time that I am with him in the dream I know that I will be waking up.
But I don't want the dreams to stop.
They're all I have left. I wonder what they mean? My dreams tend to mean something. What does it mean when I see Angel in the sunlight in my dreams?
I like to believe it means he's still out there. Not the demon that cannot bear the light, but the real Angel. My Angel. His soul is out there somewhere. Maybe he's watching over me still. And as long as I believe that, I cannot kill Angelus. As long as there is the slightest chance that I can bring my Angel back to me I have to take it.
I hope I'm not being foolish. I am afraid that this is exactly what the demon wants. For me to believe that Angel is still out there. I'm afraid that by letting myself be ruled by this hope I am going to be to blame for the death of someone that I love.
But I can't do it.
I can't kill him.
I cannot let my Angel go. He is part of me.
I still wear the ring. Wedding band. Giles told me it's a Celtic wedding band. I try to take it off. I try to cut him away. I try to let it go. I try to harden my heart. But I always end up putting it back on.
Maybe someday I will be able to let my Angel go. Maybe somehow I will be able to bury the love I still have for him deep enough that I can slay his body. Maybe someday I will be able to do my duty.
When I am faced with that leer smeared across his face. When my ears are assaulted with the demon's cutting words coming from the mouth that told me he loved me. When I am close enough to see for myself that Angel is gone. That's when I think I will one day have the strength to do what I know, in the back of my mind, I will have to do eventually.
But not today.
Today I am ignoring fate. Today I don't care about my duty. Today all I care about is the fact that he may still be out there. Today I am still in love with him.
Today I will cry myself to sleep. Probably tomorrow too.
And I will dream of him.
And I will hope.
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you.
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go.
Read the companion piece from Angel's POV...Dust.
Buffy&Angel // Rebecca Fic